Wet and Windy in the West Country

Ok, it's not the West Country, it's Oxfordshire, but I felt like writing it.

I hardly get a chance to get to blogger as like now, when at work, I can't do formatting and it put me off, and when I get home, after a day spent staring at a monitor, I don't really like to turn the computer on.

At the weekend went on a long walk near a village that had a museum of Tom Brown's Schooldays. I haven't read the book but a new charity shop has opened up right beside my work and it happened to have the book for 50p, bargain. Hopefully will get round to reading it at some point.

Went to a police recruitment event last night, considering applying though the application process seems pretty tough. It is well paid with good job security and other benefits and you can go into so many different areas along with learning lots of new things... only problem is you have to deal with chavs on the beat for 2 years, arguing over who stole their bottle of bucky or whatever the equivalent is in Engelande.

Learnt about theft though- if you honestly believe someone wouldnt mind you taking something, or you think it is not possible to contact the owner, or you believe something is rightfully yours, then it's not theft. I honestly thought he wouldnt mind me taking his BMW...

That reminds me, there's been an advert in the saturday magazine that comes with the Guardian advertising for suit trousers for men- you know the sort, EXCELLENT quality and EXCELLENT comfort GUARANTEED all this for only 3 monthly payments of £29.99!!!
In the advert is a picture of man wearing said suit, holding a hat, leaning against a red rolls royce with a stately home in the background. In small type at the bottom of the picture it says 'car not included'. Well, that dashed my hopes! And what does that mean, is the house included, or the hat? what about the man himself?

Downloaded a practice application form for the police, how am I supposed to know my met-only-once father's address and the dates and places of birth and addresses of all the children he's fathered? no idea... maybe I can write a letter explaining the situation. and for partner/spouse, do i put my husband, my boyfriend, or both? they want to look up the criminal record of all known associates... Reminds me my family is not straightforward.... the same goes for my employment and residence history... it's not going to be a straight forward application.

Poppy Shakespeare

I thought I would blog about something other than myself for once. Again I'm at work so can't post any pics or links so will just have to type.

I saw this film about 2 weeks ago on Channel 4, it's about a mental hospital in London and the going on within it- how the patients go there during the day but go home at night. They are scared of being discharged. The staff are scared of the patients and only want to meet government targets.

A new patient, Poppy Shakespeare, is introduced to the group and swears there is nothing wrong with her, but in order to be discharged she has to qualify for 'mad money' to pay for a lawyer, but if she's not crazy, then she can't get mad money, so cant leave the hospital. All a bit catch 22.

I liked it, though my boyfriend found it depressing, as it makes you think about waht ebing sane Vs insane is all about, and how fine the balance is. It makes you think about what care the UK provides for people with mental illnesses and if it really helps people or not. It makes you think if just visiting a mental institution can send you insane.

It had some nice music in it and I liked the shots of london and the transformation of the people within it. It's based on a book by Clare Allen, who spent time in a mental 'institution' herself- you can read an interview with the author (which is much more insightful than my opinion) here: http://www.bloomsbury.com/Authors/microsite.asp?id=1059§ion=1&aid=1487

afternoon

I was feeling a bit low this morning too as I saw an old blog of mine that I made with my ex-husband of all the trips we made. he's deleted every photo of me off there. I dont mind, i deleted all photos of him and removed him as a freind on facebook etc within a week of moving out. It just fucks with my head that I hate someone I once loved. Actually I dont think i hate him, I just wonder how I ever liked him or fancied him and I feel like I must have been actually insane- was that really me? It's a bit scary to not really know what was going on and how I changed so much- I think of boys i went out with at school and I would never go out with them now, but I understand why I went out with them at the time. With my ex i almost feel physically sick thinking I was with him, it's just so weird and I want to forget it happened without really forgetting it made me who i am now which i'm grateful for.

Working with people in dodgy relationships and messed up families all day long does get you thinking, how much they make their situation or are a product of their upbringing or whether some people are just unlucky? You learn a lot and my views on some things have changed, i think i am getting even less tolerant and more harsh in my thinking!

I am just finding it weird comprehending a face I once liked to look at, now I shudder a bit when i see it. Is this crazy?

Anways, like a wise man says, "all relationships fail until one doesn't. So stop obsessing and get to work!". So that's what I'll do.

Also I sent C a message saying I missed him and he sent me this song by Soko called ' I will never love you more'. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfDvxCPjJBQ&feature=related it's a nice song, huh?


[hopefully edit this post when my computer will let me add links and pics, damn crappy windows 2000 professional!]

Pensive Pessimist

Hello lovely people of the blogging world

Today I've been thinking about relationships and was wondering on your views on the following:

I was thinking today about beginnings and ends of relationships. In my last relationship, I fell in love and at the beginning all I could do was think of him, I couldn't focus properly on anything else. I wouldn't be able to sleep thinking I was going to see him and I hung on his every word. Looking back I don't think that was the best way to be as I couldn't eat or sleep properly and probably gave him all the control in the relationship so that I would drop all plans at a seconds notice to see him, but I guess I was infatuated. This mellowed as it does into a relationship where things are homey and nice, you meet each other for lunch, you have 'in' jokes, you go on holidays and visit family etc. etc. It's hard for me to write this now as I think of the things I thought and wrote at that time, how I thought he was the one for me, and how, by the end, I couldn't stand the sight of him.

Being in a different relationship now, it's good. I meet him for lunch, we have 'in' jokes, we do the crossword together and lie in on the weekend. I mean I'm happy, but I can see myself and I wonder if I was how I am now in my previous relationship and is that a bad thing? Will I end up hating the man who I now love? are these things inevitable? how can you know? How can I make things different this time, or is it all just chance?

I guess I want to know these things so I stop being pessimistic- things are so good now I don't want them to end but will they one day? Just as in my last relationship- where I was married- and then things went sour?

Of course these are different circumstances and different people, but how much relies on me? and how much on chance? can you ever tell if a relationship will work out?

I tell myself just be thankful for now and get on with it, but today I couldn't help wondering if other people have these thoughts and how they deal with them? I texted C today and told him I loved him, but how many times did I tell my husband I loved him?

I sound so adolescent but I am naiive, I grew up only surrounded by women and never lived in a house where there was a relationship going on, my grampa was alone too so I never got an insight into couple life, so I have nothing to judge it against except media and stories from others. I've also only had 1 long term relationship, my marriage, the rest of the boys I only went out with a few days, weeks or months, and didn't really care about that much.

How are some relationships different from others? how can you keep them from going bad? how can you ever know? do you ever think what if something goes wrong? or have you been through this and now have the philosophy of living for now?

at work

I'm at work now but have been wanting to blog for ages- I just haven't had the time home alone to do so, so I'll just post a quick one in my lunch hour.

This weekend it snowed in Oxford and me and C went for a long walk up the canal through jericho and took some nice photos which hopefully I'll upload later. It is strange- Thursday was the hottest day of the year so far and you felt that summer was on the way then you have yesterday, waking up to a blanket of white and wearing scarves and gloves and wrapping up warm. As we walked past the houseboats you could smell the scent of frying bacon and wood stoves and it smelt lovely but very wintry. Today, back at work, the remnant of snow are sliding off the roofs behind me but the sun is shining brightly and there's a spring time feeling again.

I feel bad/low about some things this week- my friend D has moved to sunnier clines and I'll miss him and his perverse humour. I received a letter from my ex-father-in-law and it made me sad as i think the break up affected them more than me. A girl wanted to meet up with me but I dont like her that much although she's a good person, and i said no. and i think she took it badly.

I feel good for something too, I helped with the cricket club fence painting at the weekend, I had a good night with good food that I cooked with C and I finished my helpline training.

I also got my tooth fixed, which is good, but also bad as the dentist has changed it's shape so it is right against my front tooth and I cant get floss between them anymore as they are as tight as some similie that I am too tired to think up. Grrr my teeth are a mess just like any patriotic British Citizen's should be. Grrr

Sleepy

Haven't posted in a while: i spend all day on the computer at work so dont feel so much like going online when home. Also C is back living with me so not much time to be alone, although yesterday I had 15 mins of listening to 80s cheese while doing girly things like plucking my eyebrows while I said to give me some time while he made the dinner. It is good to have some time on your own. Went for a run before then with my friend, that's good for clearing your head out too.

Birthday was good, saw lots of friends and drank a lot but not too much, exchanged my shoes for the ones I wanted and bought some new trainers which are better than in the picture which looks distorted to me as it's probably some boy size like 12 whereas I am only a size 5 and it looks well better on me. Well.....

Off to gyno again tonight, this time to watch the previous 'teaching associates' in action. bet it will not be anywhere near as fun as it sounds. When I get nervous i laugh though which is not very appropriate in this situation. The other girls I've met seem nice though, one girl told a story about how she fancied one of the medical students and how it was a bit awkward. yeah, must be strange chatting up some guy while undressed from the waist down with your legs in stirrups...

Off to the boro this Easter, will meet some of Mikey's friends i haven't met before, including some very good female friends. I'm a bit apprehensive, i guess I am worried i wont match up or that they will be WAY hotter than me or that they will hate me. My husband didnt have many female friends. Infact he didnt have many friends at all. Maybe it's jealousy... i dont like being insecure though that's mainyl what it is, I get this weird feeling in my stomach. I'm going to cut it out- you canny make anyone love you and getting het up about it stresses you out, your boyfriend out and you'll come across as a moody whack job to anyone you meet. better to just be yourself and have fun and not care too much, what you gonna do if they are hot? cry about it? get plastic surgery? throw beer over them? whatever it doesnt really matter, just wish that stupid stomach feeling would go away!

Thinking about future career options too, emailed a forensic lab my Cv today and also got in touch through the oxford Careers network with some guy who graduated Oxford and now works in the police. He is like the head of the police force of some county so quite a big shot and gave me his number to call as well as some advice. Sounds quite good with career progression, different areas you can get into...

Only thing is I wouldnt say I always follow the straight and narrow life so might have to not tell anyone I was joining the polis, and also I don't think i would enjoy being a bobby on the beat getting urinated on by drunks and hurled abuse at on a daily basis, which you have to do for 2 years before being promoted. Also it might turn me into some jobsworth holier than though... but I do like public sector work. Would like to get involved with SOCA (Serious Organised Crime) or CEOP (Child exploitation and online protection).

Oh well it's fun having time to think. Also my cropped hair is growing on me. C got me a cool necklace with jigsaw pieces on it and a ring filled with blue liquid for my birthday. I like weird, bright coloured things!

Ok, I am determined to write about films and books and music and news soon, but right now this is my online diary and I am being self absorbed about me...

I am actually reading a book just now (albeit a shite one) the first I've read in ages so hopefully will be able to blog it soon, as well as some music if I ever get onto the comp and iTunes at home!

Tuesday

Went for a run tonight with my friend up round Iffley lock, it was nice running in daylight- spring is on its way. Still freezing though! went to GnDs after and had bagel pizza melt. Was going to have some icecream but ran out of time, chatting too much and friend had to run for bus. It's Ok, got some creme eggs on the way home though ;)

Cleared out stuff from work at the weekend and in my locker had stuff left from when I moved out from my husband last year. Wedding video, photos, emails, postcards, my diary etc. Went through some of it with my friend. It was good just to share and not just throw away without thinking, almost like you're scared of it. I showed her who people were and read out stuff from my diary, let her read the emails and talked about it. It was good to say that was me then but this is me now. If I was there now I would do everything differently but hindsight is always easy... but those experiences made me who I am now. I'm over it, I have been for quite a while, but it was good just to explain what happened to someone now, without getting emotional, like just telling a story about things that happened in my life. My friend said it's good to talk about things, lets them move on, like a sort of purge. It was nice just to talk about it easily and not be scared to hurt people. One day i'll talk more about it with C, but I don't think it would be so helpful to talk about it for no reason. I've talked about it before and dont think i need to remind him feelings I had before, but I'm sure one day we'll talk more about it, probably sooner rather than later.

Put everything in the bin outside GnDs afterwards, my friend asked if i felt better, I said it's already been over for a long time, I've already got rid of it in my head. Throwing the stuff in the bin doesn't make that much difference, I had forgotten I still had all that stuff really, I guess it does feel nice not to have it around though.

Really excited about C coming home, gonny buy hairclips to sort my hair that I cut short (I always get annoyed when I get it short, but when I grow it I always think it's a good idea to cut it...!) and maybe exchange the shoes to the original ones I want. One day i'll have enough money to buy 2 pairs of shoes but right now I'll go on being indecisive, or really just spend ages making sure I make the right decision and get the best for my money!

You can take the girl out of Scotland...

lalala

just spoken to C, feel really good now he just takes me out of myself and back down to earth and makes me laugh about stupid things like isaac newton saying 'look at this stephen, i've invented gravity, you don't even have a wheelchair yet' and stephen hawking saying in his synthesised voice, 'fuck off isaac'. Yeah. It was funny at the time. Jokes to do with Stephen Hawking seem to be a long running theme in our relationship. Any long running jokes in your relationships you'd care to share? At work today the lady I work with who's about 60 I think told me about a long running joke with her husband that they've had going since before they were married 30 odd years ago. They went on a trip to the Highlands of Scotland in their twenties (despite the trouble they had finding two single rooms in the BnBs while they were touring) and came across a shack (their words, not mine) along a single track road. out rushed a small man who apparrantly said to them, "yoooo'll be wanting to top up yooorrrr juuuuuice". Now whenever their car is low on petrol they say they need to top up their juice. Ah, young love.

Actually I don't know if I want to write any entries from my old diary, it's a bit too painful going over old issues. Here's a couple of things I wrote- there's nothing like dispair to bring out the poet in you:
Fresh Flesh
Whenever I am reminded
Whenever I remember
Whenever something is said
I restab the wounds in nice fresh flesh

Reading over the entries I was so naiive and it was so obvious that I was sad and that it was not a good relationship but still I slept on the living room floor for a year before moving out. I was scared of doing the wrong thing, something that later on might prove to be the wrong decision, of never finding love again I guess. But even now reading those entries I wonder why I thought I should put up with getting treated so badly, i guess I thought that's all that I deserved and I wouldn't ever get any better. I also just wanted to check all the boxes, perfectionist I guess, without doing what I liked. Caring too much about other people's opinion. Yuck, it makes me feel rank that I stayed in that relationship. But it made me who I am now so it's not all bad. I don't know if you guys ever have things you say to yourself in your head. Phrases I tell myself quite often at different times, whether I believe them or not, are "you cant force anyone to love you" "be confident" "worse things happen to better people" "be happy, you're you". I also hear my old PE teacher in my head telling me to keep going, or to take the harder option, to push myself just a little bit more. He was a good teacher. I really liked him.

well these last two posts feel quite talkative, I mean I'm talking to you Mr and Mrs reader to share your views. And dont worry about the above poem I think I was too sad to think about anything else but my own pain so I didnt really care that now it sounds a bit crazy!

night night, from me in a happy place laughing about men with apples and wheelchairs

Friday night

Hello peeps

Just been out for dinner and now looking forward to getting into bed with electric heater and hot water bottle and reading a good book, staying awake for another two hours then calling C. Got loads to do this weekend, especially tomorrow, so don't know if I'm looking forward to it or not... but definitely looking forward to C back next week! In the end I got a different pair of shoes, ones that are even harder to walk it, and probably only wear twice, because the shop assistant told me they suited me better and when wearing my original choice I looked like I was wearing some shoes the hospital prescribed me... let me know what you think.
This week at work it's been going OK, just when I dont have much to do it can get boring... and I worry about the affect on my ass of sitting on a chair eating chocolate biscuits all day long, but i'm much happier fat ass or no fat ass.

Was thinking today at work about what makes a good person, and these are the traits I think for me make a good person, whether I'd like the person or not I can't say, but what other characteristics do you think make a good person? I'd be interested in knowing.

Loyalty
Benevolence
Assiduity
Compassion
Courage
Respect
Integrity
Hospitality
Humility
Magnanimity
Thoughtfulness
Not in any order. Just got me thinking, think it was a crossword clue that did it...!

Googling the same thing led me to two quotes that I'll put here too, which really mean that you can't define what I'm looking for
"There is so much good in the worst of us, an so much bad in the best of us"
" A continuum is easier to deal with than specifics "

I hope all goes well when C is back, but I've decided not too worry too much. What will be will be. And I've decided to not say yes to everything and try to be what I think it's a good idea to be, to try to stop putting so much pressure on myself. Like I've got a lot to do tomorrow, so although my friend wants to go swimming and have brunch at 10am, I gotta go to the lab and clean up before, then go to opticians for 2 hrs after, then meet a friend for shopping, then work in the pub 6- midnight. So I might just call her and say it'd be too tiring to fit everything in so maybe we can go for a walk and coffee instead? or meet another day? This may seem like basic stuff to those who read this blog but too often I'm complaisant and try to please everyone and end up getting stressed out and tired. I would quite like some time by myself to sort out things, e.g the 50 letters from home that have accumulated over the past 6 months that my mum decided to send individually to me all on one day. I think I'll wait til Sunday to open them.

Read over an old diary of mine the other day, may post some excerpts from it here. I was in a not very good place then, and it's a bit embarassing reading it and thinking what was I doing, but then it makes me feel good that I did eventually come out of that bad relationship, even if it took me 2 years to do it.

Hope you've all had a good week, and have a great weekend. Will someone who has a better grasp of the English language tell me what characteristic of a good person can be descibed in one word instead of writing "being genuine". thanks.
xxx

Hey

Hey, i'm tucked up in bed just now, lap top on my lap, hot water bottle, 2 duvets and a student bedroom with no double glazing and bloody freezing! Have to get a front light on my bike, it broke the other day and I hate cycling without one. Called C's family last night, I like talking to them, I like family, I wonder if they think I'm weird sometimes though...

Was at my gyno training tonight, watched a movie and played with a plastic pelvis used by medical students and got to take a speculum home. nice. And I got to ask stupid questions like if the average length of a vagina is 4 inches what if you have sex with someone with a big cock where does it go? yeah, showed them who knew what. me = despite thinking i've had quite a bit of sex, I am still totally naive and didn't even really know the difference between vagina and cervix. well now I do, in high definition colour. we got to eat chocolate biscuits too.

One problem, the girl i'm training with has found out she's pregnant, 2 days ago. so if she can't carry on either it will be me alone or they'll postpone the training, either way it's bad for me, I want the money! and I actually find it well interesting , you get to ask questions you never normally would (i.e. what does the cervix feel like? apparently it's gonny feel like a nose...yeah. a nose) and be educated in gyno medicine. So it's all good.

Tomorrow going running after work. Bought some M&S heeled shoes for work tonight too, but I really want some big heels to wear on a night out, like these, but i just dont know if I'll be able to walk in them, wear them at other times, kill myself or look stupid. Any ideas?

Listening to Late Night Love on the radio just now, quality tunes- Eternal Flame by The Bangles at the minute!

night night xxx

Guess what

Guess what. It's OK to not do a PhD or even a masters. It doesn't make me stupid to not have a PhD or masters. It's OK to want to do something else and admit lab life doesn't make me happy. It's OK to never want to see Jane again. It doesn't make me weak or a failure or a quitter or that she's won. That's how I feel today and it makes me feel good.

I can still hear my family's and jane's and other oxford people's words in my ears, but then the most important thing is to be happy, be a good person, and try to make a difference, try to make the world that bit better even if for a second, that's what I think. So I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I think it will take a while before I get my mojo back but just now it's good to acknowledge that jane aint right and I can be me without worrying about what other people will think. It's weird, I'm more worried about quitting my PhD than my marriage...


check's CDV's post today for the cutest babynmummy ever! thanks for the curry and the baby hugging!

Wednesday night

So work is going well. today we had cake. what more can you ask for? and they make cups of tea every 1.5 hrs. and they lock the office at 5 so I was the only one left at 5.15. Also I start at 830 but nobody else arrives til 9. and we get an hour for lunch. and did I say we finish on Friday at 4pm? and we get weekends OFF! infact in my introductory hand book it says it is highly DISCOURAGED! and we are not ALLOWED to work after 645 during the week or 545 on fridays. I am going to enoy not feeling guilty for a bit....

The people are nice but mostly 45+ women who like gossiping. It's good but it does make me think about some things I like in a job- e.g. I like moving around rather than sitting on my ass infront of a computer all day. And I like learning and being challenged. But it is also so nice not feeling guilty, and having really friendly not competetive colleagues. Although I miss people on the same wavelength to argue with and talk about random crap such as who would win in a fight between mick jagger and david bowie? It is nice to relax for a bit. And nice doing something you feel is worthwhile, and nice being busy.

I'm working in the Child Protection Unit of Oxford County Council. It is difficult and you have to deal with some terrible situations- if you ever think you are a bad parent you are not even CLOSE to the league most of these guys are in- but you also feel like you could be helping even in a tiny way. I thought I was going to be in the educational liason division on cricket road but I was called on Friday night and told of my new placement. I'm covering a woman's maternity leave. And I'm working above blockbuster's on cowley rd which makes it quite convenient and central!

so all is good so far, I am just enjoying finishing at 5 so much... with weekends off... I am home at 520 and dont feel guilty! then there is so much to do in the evening! it's great!

I'm looking forward to my confidence and esteem improving, I already feel much better not dealing with Jane and no-one here makes me feel bad (yet!). It makes a lot of difference- I look forward to going to work! And I just feel good, I can't emphasise enough how different it is to not have someone fucking with your head or putting you down... even the last day i saw her she said to me that the reason I like voluntary work is because people tell me immediately that I am good or that I get instant praise whereas I cant stick science because you dont have instant praise. I disagree, when I am doing volunteering often no-one says thank you or you're great, quite often you get abused! but you feel good about yourself as you may have, even slightly, improved someone's feeling or helped them out. and this self- reward makes me feel good. not praise from others, although it is nice to have some now and again and it is definitely bad to never have any. before I would have thought maybe Jane's opinion was valid but now I just think that it is some sort of weird fucked up thing in her head and some sort of power struggle and in some weird way she likes putting me down. Maybe she was scared I might one day turn out OK and she wants to reassure herself I'm nothing like her? I don't know.... who cares!

MTW I know you secretly read my blog so lets hope you really are reading it secretly and other previous lab people dont. remember that in reading this blog you are agreeing to not sue my ass off and I am not liable for any harm caused to yourself or to others. Anybody (including myself) in this blog is purely fictional and not based on any really person. so there. go ask your mother.

Ok I'm tired but loving being busy and not moping around. Oh, and did I say, C IS COMING HOME IN 2 WEEKS! 2 WEEKS TOMORROW! CANNY WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!